What qualities make up a resilient person and why do they cope better?

What qualities make up a resilient person and why do they cope better?

We all know that mate that seems to cope with numerous knock backs and still seems to keep getting up. They still feel the same numerous emotions the rest of us do but they seem to deal with it a little better. Self-knowledge, vitality and inner peace all reside within them. What is his or her secret ? Here are ten tell tale signs of a person who is emotionally mature.

1. Acknowledges and takes full ownership of his uncomfortable feelings.

Throughout our lives we experience a range of uncomfortable and sometimes unwanted feelings. We always have a choice. We can acknowledge and take ownership of them or try to ignore and get rid of them. Unfortunately, the latter option only leads to more emotional pain and to more complicated psychological problems such as depression. As physical pain indicates something is wrong with the body, emotional pain indicates that something is wrong with the self.

2. Is curious about feelings rather than trying avoid them

Feelings can teach us a lot about ourselves. The path to self-discovery and greater self-knowledge lies in unlocking the lessons embedded in our feelings and being able to listen to the messages they have to teach us.

3. Can tolerate the discomfort of intense emotional states

Some feeling states like anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, shame, anxiety, and emptiness can be difficult and unbearable. People who struggle to tolerate intense emotion look for ways to numb themselves to get rid of the pain. This may bring some immediate relief but often results in long term suffering.

4. Uses feelings to learn and grow from them

There are three steps to processing our feelings:

  1. Acknowledge and name the feeling. We cannot explore a feeling until we properly name it.

  2. Understand the unique personal meaning of this feeling in its present and historical context.

  3. Use this information to make decisions that will elevate one’s self, others, and the world.

 5. Understands what triggers them

It is pretty normal to have certain things that trigger emotional responses that may lead to behaviour that does not help us long term. Being aware of these triggers is incredibly useful to breaking behaviour.

6. Acts in ways that are assertive rather than passive or aggressive

Being kind to yourself means that you have to sometimes be assertive. People pleasers suffer as they don’t take their own needs into consideration. They become emotionally starved as others try to figure out what they need.

7. Has learnt to be patient and accepting of imperfection

Self-acceptance is the foundation of good self-esteem. People who don’t accept themselves tend to beat themselves up which is accompanied with shame. Shame is the emotional experience underlying low self-esteem. When we identify something we don’t like about ourselves we have three options: feel shame and judge ourselves as defective, accept our weaknesses as part of being a limited and imperfect human being or make changes to improve ourselves.

8. Reaches out for help when struggling

Emotionally mature people reach out for help when they feel stuck or overwhelmed by life’s challenges. They are not ashamed to ask for help and receive help. They accept their limitations and don’t suffer alone with their problems.

9. Does not fear being vulnerable

Being emotionally open and vulnerable is the way we connect deeply with other people. Being vulnerable means taking a risk to reveal personal and sensitive aspects about ourselves. Letting others “see” us is an essential way to bond deeply.

10. Values, honours, respects, and listens to the feelings of others

Emotionally mature people are attuned to other people’s feelings. They listen because they understand that one of the greatest acts of kindness is listening to someone else’s pain. When we value someone’s feelings we are at the same time valuing their personhood. When we dismiss their feelings, we dismiss them. Emotional understanding empowers and strengthens. Not engaging and trying to understand others disempowers and weakens.

If you are struggling reach out to TIACS on 0488 846 988.

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